All it took was a well meaning person asking a valid question: "Why did you stay there?" A question I didn't think I was ready to address at that point. A question I wanted to avoid a little longer. A question that ultimately redeemed me and got me through the stuck place. Addressing the "why's" about putting up with all that serious nonsense gave me a chance to bring a lighter mood into the subject. It caused me to switch over to the fact that the spirit of laughter and joy prevailed in spite of the serious process of Becoming A Nun.
My writing has now been lifted me out of the rut I'd been in for too many chapters. A rut of not being able to change gears. A run of not know quite how to proceed to the next topic. Hells bells, it's not like I know what I'm doing as a writer anyway! After trying to rid myself of these dang memoirs for too many years and then hanging it up for too many years in between, why haven't I given up completely? My Inner Critic is way too influential. She still wears the full black and white habit and perches on my shoulder the whole time I'm trying to write, whispering sweet sarcasm into my ears about what to and what not to. And especially about WHO might read this besides me.
Thank the easygoing part of me that paddles on downstream in spite of my fears. She seems to be winning so far. Her message? "Hells bells. . . you're not writing this for anyone else anyway, so just keep moving one oar after the other. Keep writing. Make whatever changes you like midstream or following an old rut, who cares? As long as you get to the mouth of the river, it doesn't matter. Just don't stop."
I've decided to paddle on. The old One-Chapter-at-a-Time has worked so far. Who knows if there's even an ocean at all?
3 comments:
The old adage applies: It's not the destination but the journey. As you said, you've been trying to rid yourself of the need to remember and make sense. Keep paddling!
Yep, you just need to get it all down on paper. You can always sort it out later. Or maybe you won't want to. Maybe just writing it will satisfy some need. But I hope you keep at it, because it sure is interesting to read.
I've heard from other memoir-writers that you remember more details in response to the act of writing down memories.
And yes, who knows if there is an ocean at the end of your voyage. I've come to believe it doesn't matter.
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